Oh, that F word

One of the most discussed and debated aspects of our upcoming wedding is how I am balancing my feminist beliefs with getting married. For all of my teens and twenties, I was staunchly opposed to getting married. The examples I saw in my life were very traditional and I am anything but. I saw marriage as a way to limit women, to impose expectations, cultural roles and norms. I always desired to have a partner and to commit to that partner for the rest of my life but didn't feel that I needed a piece of paper for that. I also felt like it would be wrong of me to be able to marry simply because I am heterosexual when many people I love cannot because they are gay or lesbian.

Somewhere along the way to thirty, I began to soften and the things I wanted began to change. I started to want to have a baby (oh, pesky hormones) and I started to feel like I did want that piece of paper. I can't explain how or why this happened. It just did. Certainly, the fact that most of the women I know are married didn't hurt and many of them have marriages that aren't traditional. I saw that it was an option. Then it began to seem that marriage would be available to gays and lesbians. Though sadly, this is not the case in my state, I have faith that we will be there soon.

Then, once we got engaged, it became paramount to me that we have a wedding and a marriage that supports my beliefs. Luckily, I'm not the only feminist in this relationship. Scott has always been completely supportive and in agreement with my ideas about how we can remain a partnership of two - not one. I wouldn't be with him let alone marry him if he did not.

I told him early on that I wouldn't be changing my name when we got married. He responded that he didn't plan on changing his name either. Neither of us are changing our name. I've been called a "modern woman" and have been told that people may be confused, wondering if we are married. My response to those things is: Yes, if wanting to maintain my identity makes me modern, then I am, it's okay with me if people are confused, people can wonder if we are married or they can ask. While I cannot wait to be Scott's wife, I'm not so concerned with other people knowing that I am. I guess part of that stems from spending much of my life not wanting to be anyone's wife.

Lisa Howe isn't some character I've been playing. It's me. Who I am. For 34 years. The name thing... It's a non-issue for us. I'm just a Lucy Stoner.

When we have children, we plan to hyphenate their names. This is another issue up for hot debate. I can say nothing better than this:

"I'm not the least bit sympathetic to the whole 'there's no point in hyphenating' argument; yeah, the next generation will have to figure something out when they themselves get married, but hopefully by that point no one will change surnames on marriage, and there are some good examples in other cultures of how to deal with children." (http://bitchphd.blogspot.com)

I called my father yesterday to talk to him about not being "given away." This tradition has roots in arranged marriage when daughters were considered their father's property which had to be given away. I recognize that it can also been seen as a blessing of the marriage but not for me. I don't need anyone to give me for marriage or even to bless it. My relationship with my parents has been a complicated and painful struggle for many years. I moved out when I was still in high school. I've always been fiercely independent and have not ever needed and still don't need an escort. I plan to walk down that aisle to Scott with my head held high and likely with tears streaming down my face.

My father has the admirable quality of not getting worked up about things. I didn't inherit that from him though I wish I had. I knew that he wouldn't take the news poorly and that he would understand. He had a painful and complicated relationship with his parents too. He responded by telling me that he walked down the aisle by himself too. He recognizes, appreciates and admires my independence and I don't believe that he was surprised by this decision in the least.

I have the female symbol tattooed on my back. I am a staunch feminist. I've got to do this my way, our way.