Scott and I are getting married tonight.
People keep asking if I am nervous. The answer is no. Aside from God, I've never been more sure of anything else in my life.
This week has been filled with family, friends, food and a lot of work. We're putting this wedding on with the immense help of the people who love us. We've gardened, swept, pulled weeds, strung lights, set up tables and chairs, recruited people to pour champagne, cook, run errands, write, make invitations, and hold our hands through this process.
We've made this wedding just like we make our lives by gathering our community around us to help us to take it one step at a time. We are beyond grateful and so very blessed.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Oh, that F word
One of the most discussed and debated aspects of our upcoming wedding is how I am balancing my feminist beliefs with getting married. For all of my teens and twenties, I was staunchly opposed to getting married. The examples I saw in my life were very traditional and I am anything but. I saw marriage as a way to limit women, to impose expectations, cultural roles and norms. I always desired to have a partner and to commit to that partner for the rest of my life but didn't feel that I needed a piece of paper for that. I also felt like it would be wrong of me to be able to marry simply because I am heterosexual when many people I love cannot because they are gay or lesbian.
Somewhere along the way to thirty, I began to soften and the things I wanted began to change. I started to want to have a baby (oh, pesky hormones) and I started to feel like I did want that piece of paper. I can't explain how or why this happened. It just did. Certainly, the fact that most of the women I know are married didn't hurt and many of them have marriages that aren't traditional. I saw that it was an option. Then it began to seem that marriage would be available to gays and lesbians. Though sadly, this is not the case in my state, I have faith that we will be there soon.
Then, once we got engaged, it became paramount to me that we have a wedding and a marriage that supports my beliefs. Luckily, I'm not the only feminist in this relationship. Scott has always been completely supportive and in agreement with my ideas about how we can remain a partnership of two - not one. I wouldn't be with him let alone marry him if he did not.
I told him early on that I wouldn't be changing my name when we got married. He responded that he didn't plan on changing his name either. Neither of us are changing our name. I've been called a "modern woman" and have been told that people may be confused, wondering if we are married. My response to those things is: Yes, if wanting to maintain my identity makes me modern, then I am, it's okay with me if people are confused, people can wonder if we are married or they can ask. While I cannot wait to be Scott's wife, I'm not so concerned with other people knowing that I am. I guess part of that stems from spending much of my life not wanting to be anyone's wife.
Lisa Howe isn't some character I've been playing. It's me. Who I am. For 34 years. The name thing... It's a non-issue for us. I'm just a Lucy Stoner.
When we have children, we plan to hyphenate their names. This is another issue up for hot debate. I can say nothing better than this:
"I'm not the least bit sympathetic to the whole 'there's no point in hyphenating' argument; yeah, the next generation will have to figure something out when they themselves get married, but hopefully by that point no one will change surnames on marriage, and there are some good examples in other cultures of how to deal with children." (http://bitchphd.blogspot.com)
I called my father yesterday to talk to him about not being "given away." This tradition has roots in arranged marriage when daughters were considered their father's property which had to be given away. I recognize that it can also been seen as a blessing of the marriage but not for me. I don't need anyone to give me for marriage or even to bless it. My relationship with my parents has been a complicated and painful struggle for many years. I moved out when I was still in high school. I've always been fiercely independent and have not ever needed and still don't need an escort. I plan to walk down that aisle to Scott with my head held high and likely with tears streaming down my face.
My father has the admirable quality of not getting worked up about things. I didn't inherit that from him though I wish I had. I knew that he wouldn't take the news poorly and that he would understand. He had a painful and complicated relationship with his parents too. He responded by telling me that he walked down the aisle by himself too. He recognizes, appreciates and admires my independence and I don't believe that he was surprised by this decision in the least.
I have the female symbol tattooed on my back. I am a staunch feminist. I've got to do this my way, our way.
Somewhere along the way to thirty, I began to soften and the things I wanted began to change. I started to want to have a baby (oh, pesky hormones) and I started to feel like I did want that piece of paper. I can't explain how or why this happened. It just did. Certainly, the fact that most of the women I know are married didn't hurt and many of them have marriages that aren't traditional. I saw that it was an option. Then it began to seem that marriage would be available to gays and lesbians. Though sadly, this is not the case in my state, I have faith that we will be there soon.
Then, once we got engaged, it became paramount to me that we have a wedding and a marriage that supports my beliefs. Luckily, I'm not the only feminist in this relationship. Scott has always been completely supportive and in agreement with my ideas about how we can remain a partnership of two - not one. I wouldn't be with him let alone marry him if he did not.
I told him early on that I wouldn't be changing my name when we got married. He responded that he didn't plan on changing his name either. Neither of us are changing our name. I've been called a "modern woman" and have been told that people may be confused, wondering if we are married. My response to those things is: Yes, if wanting to maintain my identity makes me modern, then I am, it's okay with me if people are confused, people can wonder if we are married or they can ask. While I cannot wait to be Scott's wife, I'm not so concerned with other people knowing that I am. I guess part of that stems from spending much of my life not wanting to be anyone's wife.
Lisa Howe isn't some character I've been playing. It's me. Who I am. For 34 years. The name thing... It's a non-issue for us. I'm just a Lucy Stoner.
When we have children, we plan to hyphenate their names. This is another issue up for hot debate. I can say nothing better than this:
"I'm not the least bit sympathetic to the whole 'there's no point in hyphenating' argument; yeah, the next generation will have to figure something out when they themselves get married, but hopefully by that point no one will change surnames on marriage, and there are some good examples in other cultures of how to deal with children." (http://bitchphd.blogspot.com)
I called my father yesterday to talk to him about not being "given away." This tradition has roots in arranged marriage when daughters were considered their father's property which had to be given away. I recognize that it can also been seen as a blessing of the marriage but not for me. I don't need anyone to give me for marriage or even to bless it. My relationship with my parents has been a complicated and painful struggle for many years. I moved out when I was still in high school. I've always been fiercely independent and have not ever needed and still don't need an escort. I plan to walk down that aisle to Scott with my head held high and likely with tears streaming down my face.
My father has the admirable quality of not getting worked up about things. I didn't inherit that from him though I wish I had. I knew that he wouldn't take the news poorly and that he would understand. He had a painful and complicated relationship with his parents too. He responded by telling me that he walked down the aisle by himself too. He recognizes, appreciates and admires my independence and I don't believe that he was surprised by this decision in the least.
I have the female symbol tattooed on my back. I am a staunch feminist. I've got to do this my way, our way.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Getting married
I've decided that trying to plan a wedding while working full time and doing grad school is kind of insane and the only way to get through it is to write about it. So this blog has been resurrected as such.
Scott asked me to marry him in amazing Sedona on April 12, 2010 which was our one year anniversary. We had spent the weekend hiking and every time he bend down or stopped me, I thought to myself, "THIS IS IT!" But no, he would just tie his shoe or ask for some water. Sedona was amazing and magical place. I felt the presence of God all over and felt so connected to Scott. It didn't hurt that we stayed in an amazing hotel, had delicious food and got 90 minute massages to ease our exhausted bodies.
We were walking along a gorgeous trail next to a creek on our way to our anniversary lunch at a creekside restaurant when he stopped me and held me so tight. He kissed me and told me that he loved me. I didn't even think that he was going to do it as I had been wrong all weekend so I was just soaking up the moment of being in his arms in this gorgeous place on our last day. Then, he told me that he loved me so much and pulled away. He got down on his knee and pulled out the ring. He looked up at me and said, "Lisa Howe, would you do the honor of marrying me?" I was crying and shaking and practically jumping up and down. I yelled, YES! Yes! We hugged and kissed and cried. It was beautiful and perfect.
I am incredibly blessed to have Scott as my fiance. Those of you who know me know that I kissed a lot of crazy ass men before I found Scott. I have a million crazy dating stories of total freaks and I went on about 75 first dates in the years that I did online dating. Who would have guessed that I would meet the love of my life on Craigslist?
I am so deeply in love with Scott and he treats me like a queen. He is incredibly patient and kind even when I am crazy.
My brother is leaving for Iraq in September and it is very important to us that he and my incredible nephew is there, so we're getting married on August 21st here in San Diego. As it turns out, August 21st is my grandparents anniversary. The same grandparents who were married for 55 years before my grandmother passed away and left me the ring that I am wearing on my finger. It also happens to be my amazing sponsor's 35th sobriety birthday. I can't imagine a more perfect date to get married.
So far, we've got the place, the flowers, the invitations, the officiant, the musicians, the maid of honor's dresses, and my gorgeous flower girls.
I found the dress of my dreams online a while back. Now it's just a matter of trying to get my hands on it.
I can't imagine a better task for such a planner as myself than a wedding. Expect more updates soon as I continue experiencing sticker shock.
Scott asked me to marry him in amazing Sedona on April 12, 2010 which was our one year anniversary. We had spent the weekend hiking and every time he bend down or stopped me, I thought to myself, "THIS IS IT!" But no, he would just tie his shoe or ask for some water. Sedona was amazing and magical place. I felt the presence of God all over and felt so connected to Scott. It didn't hurt that we stayed in an amazing hotel, had delicious food and got 90 minute massages to ease our exhausted bodies.
We were walking along a gorgeous trail next to a creek on our way to our anniversary lunch at a creekside restaurant when he stopped me and held me so tight. He kissed me and told me that he loved me. I didn't even think that he was going to do it as I had been wrong all weekend so I was just soaking up the moment of being in his arms in this gorgeous place on our last day. Then, he told me that he loved me so much and pulled away. He got down on his knee and pulled out the ring. He looked up at me and said, "Lisa Howe, would you do the honor of marrying me?" I was crying and shaking and practically jumping up and down. I yelled, YES! Yes! We hugged and kissed and cried. It was beautiful and perfect.
I am incredibly blessed to have Scott as my fiance. Those of you who know me know that I kissed a lot of crazy ass men before I found Scott. I have a million crazy dating stories of total freaks and I went on about 75 first dates in the years that I did online dating. Who would have guessed that I would meet the love of my life on Craigslist?
I am so deeply in love with Scott and he treats me like a queen. He is incredibly patient and kind even when I am crazy.
My brother is leaving for Iraq in September and it is very important to us that he and my incredible nephew is there, so we're getting married on August 21st here in San Diego. As it turns out, August 21st is my grandparents anniversary. The same grandparents who were married for 55 years before my grandmother passed away and left me the ring that I am wearing on my finger. It also happens to be my amazing sponsor's 35th sobriety birthday. I can't imagine a more perfect date to get married.
So far, we've got the place, the flowers, the invitations, the officiant, the musicians, the maid of honor's dresses, and my gorgeous flower girls.
I found the dress of my dreams online a while back. Now it's just a matter of trying to get my hands on it.
I can't imagine a better task for such a planner as myself than a wedding. Expect more updates soon as I continue experiencing sticker shock.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Grace in Small Things: Part 9 of 365
1. Baking all afternoon
2. Celebrating Rick's accomplishment
3. Sofia and Mike's birthday party
4. Watching my sweetie socialize away
5. Validation
2. Celebrating Rick's accomplishment
3. Sofia and Mike's birthday party
4. Watching my sweetie socialize away
5. Validation
Grace in Small Things: Part 8 of 365
1. Waking up next to him
2. Lots of sex
3. Date night with my sister
4. Spaghetti with mizithra cheese
5. Indulging in a Twirl
2. Lots of sex
3. Date night with my sister
4. Spaghetti with mizithra cheese
5. Indulging in a Twirl
Grace in Small Things: Part 7 of 365
1. Cheese plates
2. Laughing hysterically with my sweetie
3. I love you, man
4. Picking up my sister
5. Not running
2. Laughing hysterically with my sweetie
3. I love you, man
4. Picking up my sister
5. Not running
Friday, August 14, 2009
Grace in Small Things: Part 6 of 365
1. True Blood!
2. Snuggling with the girls
3. Responding to Scott in a new and better way
4. First day of training at my internship
5. New friendships
2. Snuggling with the girls
3. Responding to Scott in a new and better way
4. First day of training at my internship
5. New friendships
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